Intimidation and Immobilizing

Intimidate implies inducing fear or a sense of inferiority into another – Merriam Webster.

This topic is one that could be considered from various angles.  I want to comment on the angle of how intimidation, as it is allowed to progress, will effectively immobilize someone to a point that is referred to as “Paralyzing Anxiety”.

I am attempting to write less from a clinical or psychological perspective, but to consider it more from a layman’s perspective.  

Proverbs 23:7a “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:”

A baby is conceived and we are told that, already before he enters into the world, security, or lack thereof, are being established. Intimidation or “Paralyzing Anxiety” would be at the opposite end of the spectrum than security. Parental guidance will affect the child’s core impression of security. Core values, conscience, definitions of right and wrong are being developed and established long before a child has an intellectual understanding of what is going on. Raw circumstances can be handled surprisingly well. However, when a child grows up with intimidation, the seedbed of the heart is prepared for a life-altering, emotionally unhealthy journey. A child that faces early childhood criticism, humiliation and intimidation will need special attention to overcome these core impressions.

I do not feel that the solution is to dwell excessively in the “permanent damage” zone. I am not supportive of parents “beating themselves up”. If you, as an employer or parent or school teacher, employ an intimidation process when dealing with those in your charge, then STOP using them. But don’t disqualify yourself. 

People who suffer from being intimidated will often resort to being intimidating as well. Both to themselves and to others. The endorphin rush triggered by being bullied and by bullying are, in both ways, a rush. One is a power rush, the other a self-protecting rush. Just watch when a dog that is used to being hit or kicked reacts, when you corner it with a stick in your hand.

Someone who is struggling with self-defeating thoughts and actions has little to gain from your pitying words.  Empathy rises above a pity party. Many a mother has done nearly the same damage to her child with a pity party as the aggressive father has imposed with intimidating words and actions.

A brutally honest approach is a good first step to help someone that has been done wrong. At the same time, never undermine the wrong.  If you as a parent strike a child excessively, don’t tell your child that daddy hit you because he loves you. Rather tell them, “Daddy loves you. He hit you in anger. That anger was not right. Daddy does love you.” This helps the child to understand that adults do things that are wrong. Now this child can determine that he does not want to go there. Another possibility, when mother is dealing with this child after the episode, would be to tell the child that you support their father’s viewpoint, that discipline was in order; but that anger is never in order.  For a young family to have this conversation early in life is good.  The Bible teaches discipline. It acknowledges anger. We are to be angry and sin not. We do not need to camouflage the fact that something angers us. We are, however, forbidden to act in anger.

Equally destructive and less easy to diagnose and remedy is psychological intimidation.

Psychological – #2 – “directed toward, influencing, or acting on the mind especially in relation to an individual’s willpower or behavioral motivation.” – Merriam-Webster 

We hear the term “playing with their minds” or “head games” or “ulterior motives”.  When a height/weight disproportionate child asks their parent for another slice of bread and the parent makes a sarcastic remark about becoming “as large as a river barge”, the emotional hurt of that comment will do more damage to the child than the slice of bread.

Or a mom tells her son, “Why can’t you be like your older brother?” These comments imply that these particular children are “not enough”. This is frequently compounded by siblings taking advantage of the situation and adding their own comments. When the “not enough” child wears a nonchalant facial expression and disappears to the other room, the battle has only begun.

The mind functions on repetition. A ball player perfects his throw with multiple practises. The dates on the history exercise become engrained with repetition. Negative emotions also become engrained in a person when subjected to repetitious reminders. When a child is exposed to an environment where they are constantly degraded, they will eventually come to consider it as truth. 

Concerning immobilization. Let’s think of immobilization as intentional action. A doctor sets a broken leg, then immobilizes it with a cast. A towing company impounds a vehicle and immobilizes it in a locked compound.  Anxiety is a psychological condition. It’s a “thinker” sickness. It thrives in “what ifs” and “perhaps” and the like. It likes dark rooms. It blooms in the half-truths of past shortfall and perceived failure. “Anxiety Paralysis” works in zones. A person that freezes in stage-fright with a complete loss of words when called to speak, may well go to the same podium and sing just like a warbler after a spring rain. Being ridiculed and denied a feeling of self-worth may play a strong role in Anxiety Paralysis.  

Parents, Leaders and Teachers again need to use brutal honesty. If your son is not athletically inclined don’t compare them to a well-rounded athlete. Teach them to play the game for the joy of playing. Appreciating the ambiance of the game, the sportsmanship of acknowledging defeat, are some of the underpinning foundations of very successful people.  Our world is too much about the blue ribbons. Not enough about running the race.

A child who has to face natural handicaps, given the proper nourishment of support, will grow to do a father proud. Not much will deteriorate a “less able” child faster than a begrudging parent who tells a child “It’s alright,” when in truth their parent’s demeanour screams “You failed me! You louse!” A child doesn’t “fail” a parent. Every child deserves a parent’s unconditional Love.